Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Last Act……this is certainly not my normal blog post and it is not about a "Beautiful Moment", so excuse me while I feel the need to write this.

 
    As I thought about Robin Williams....bruised from within, eyes glazed—head bowed, out of control—pulse racing, a feeling of overwhelming self-hatred, heart broken, tired, empty, confusion and loneliness fill the mind.  Everything matters yet nothing matters.  Imagine the rapid-fire succession of horrifying thoughts scrolling through the mind, unable to restore order within the confines of one’s brain—distracted by a reflection of one’s self, nothing seems to be in order in this bad dream, a “nightmare” roller coaster ride of a life. There must be a hornets nest of thoughts and feelings.
      There are many ups but sadly the downs cause many to bottom out and cloud one’s ability to reach back for the goodness and work toward a greater purpose.  “This life has become too difficult for me”, were the words, a written acknowledgment or confession of sorts, by someone close to us, who five years ago took his own life.  Two others taking the same fate, that were close to us, must have felt a similar scenario in their lives’ as they “played out”.  One was a well educated, creative and hugely talented artist with grand ideas and designs that must have seeped from every crevice of his bumpy brain mass.  He was always searching.  Distracted by “life".   It happens and it is an ugly transformation, overwhelmed with extreme disappointment and unable to restore order in one’s life— unable to seek their way or share their work/purpose in a productive satisfying way, they seek to relieve the pain.  Unable to accept one’s self in such weariness, unable to feel loved or love themselves, thus unable to adequately love others.  Like a hidden treasure they feel at times to go unnoticed and unfulfilled.  Full of goodness, gifts, talents and delicate fragility these people (many creative people) suffer from a disease, depression, with many versions, it is “real” pathological illnesses. Sufferers compare themselves with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease and little trepidation over their next step. While those trembling in motion within the confines of their own imprisoned minds suffer in agitation, apprehension, hoping and longing for answers that seem to go unanswered and unfulfilled.  Some seek help while others suffer endlessly, struggling to disguise or deny their weakness.  Secretly yearning for help they exhaustively mask their pain and suffering.  Fed up and beyond weary at some point they cross a line that may not be visible to others, compulsive, confirmed, a thoughtless point of end…. “The last act”.
     The reasons for any suicide are certainly very complex, and research acknowledges that no one can fully explain with certainty what is behind the rise that we have experienced in recent history.  Quote in an article from: The New York Times online. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/03/health/suicide-rate-rises-sharply-in-us.html?_r=0 “It’s vastly underreported,” said Julie Phillips, an associate professor of sociology at Rutgers University who has published research on rising suicide rates.  “We know we’re not counting all suicides.” Some studies and estimates suggest that approximately 800,000 Americans attempt suicide every year. Suicide rates can be difficult to measure or interpret but over the twenty-year period from 1990 to 2010, suicide rates in the U.S. decreased, and then rose again.  Between 1990 and 2000, the suicide rate decreased from 12.5 deaths by suicide to 10.4 per 100,000 people in the population.  However, over the next ten years the rate seemed to go back up and by 2011 the rate was at 12.3 deaths per 100,000.
      I have not been able to find the suicide data for 2012 thru 2013 but given what seems to be so many lost to this, I fear it is still very high.  Many people openly criticize those that take their own lives as selfish or say that is a last selfish act.  Can we really walk in another person’s shoes?  I agree that it seems to be a self absorbed, selfish act but a disease of the mind, we surly cannot fully understand the chemistry and what happens with such imbalances within the brain.  And certainly we cannot judge.  I believe that these individuals are such a disappointment to themselves and they believe that they are a disappointment and burden on others, so much so, that it is unbearable for them to think.
     Comprehensive psychiatric evaluations have to be sought and medication management addressed.  But I do not believe that we do an adequate job of addressing and accessing an individual’s mental issues or illness.  I have dealt with depression and dementia with loved ones and know first hand what that is like.  Some possibly many physicians are simply prescription writers and they prescribe a cocktail of drugs and begin practicing with hope of a manageable outcome.  It is such a balancing act of trial and error.  And the actual changes in the chemistry of the brain can be both dangerous and devastating with or without drugs in these cases.
      In addition, when someone has been on a medication, many individuals taking the medication as well as caregivers do not understand the dangers of starting and stopping a medication.  I do not believe that there is enough time or knowledge to address individual cases or the desire to delve into each individual’s case by many healthcare professionals.  Never mind be abreast of all the drug interactions and effects both immediate and long term on each individual because, we are all so different. In my opinion adequate care is lacking for reasons of time constraints with physicians and lack of “real” interest as well as, individuals unable to recognize their own need for help (healthcare) or unwillingness to get help for fear of a negative stigma or due to other limitations.  Maybe there is no cure?  But individuals with these illnesses need a healthcare advocate to monitor them often and make note of changes and things that need addressing.  I am no doctor but I have dealt with these topics on a personal level with loved ones for over two decades.
     In the general population, another thought, observation or question might be that we as a growing Internet and “techno” population, are lacking the personal communication skills to care for and deal with individuals suffering with mental illness, “problems”.  By this, I mean, we have less and less person-to-person contact and communication in our daily lives. So much about the way we communicate is changing.  Many individuals may need to simply share themselves and their gifts to recover a healthy life of fulfillment.  Many are in need of encouragement and need ways to find a purpose in life but do not have fulfilling communication.  The communication that I speak of involves looking into someone’s eyes, seeing expressions and even touch from others, hugs, pats on the back and etc.  Some people are for whatever reason, possibly unable to lift themselves up or be lifted up to achieve their own goals or expectations, people need people.  Mental illness has no boundary—can seem silent, all the while one can be struggling in poverty or middle class and another be very successful because they have plenty of money but all equally susceptible to mental illness.  Problems have no boundaries either.  They may be brought on by environmental or spiritual situations or both and/or a serious genetic mental disorders or by other health problems.  This has got to be difficult to address.  We have got to communicate better with others and be aware of warning signs in individuals that suffer so greatly within.  It is easy to tell someone to be happy like a child for no reason. But that is what we should be, right?  If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken away from you at any moment.   Let’s reach out to others.   A “normal” person should be able to control their thoughts and even change them, but what if some cannot and it is their, “Last Act”?

Monday, August 4, 2014

And Then I Smiled.....


     My husband and I made a quick trip home to Tennessee. We visited our family in Nashville and then went on to Sewanee where my comfort zone remains.  After completing a dental visit I raced to the house to ready my cameras and venture out to the lake behind our home. As I proceeded down the trail I saw my husband coming home from a five miles jog, after his early morning meeting. I told him that I was heading to see what was at the lake. He invited me to lunch with his friend, a past colleague, and I thought that I would join them since they weren't going until afternoon. This gave me some time to putter about. But once I got to the lake it was buzzing with raw beauty, the nature and experiences that were part of my life for twelve years and luckily still are! 
       I ventured all over the 15,000 acres that The University Of The South owns, while in Sewanee full-time over those twelve years. And once I took up the hobby of photography I seemed to never be without my camera. Today I was thrilled to have my cameras with me as I approached the first bridge crossing a small finger of the lake; I was engrossed and in awe over the multitude of dragonflies flitting about as they do this time of year. Finally.... I pulled away from the dragonflies and proceeded to the next bridge. When I started to check out what was stirring, a female hummingbird whizzed past my head and began to feed on the wild flowers,( Lobelia cardinalis) Cardinal Flower that had filled the spillway. Excited, I hurried around the edge of the bridge and down the embankment to get a closer look. I could not wait to get some photos! Several other species of dragonflies were hunting here and even challenging the hummingbirds to leave their territory. They would chase the hummingbirds off but after a short rest and perch on a nearby pine tree they would buzz back through for another sip of nectar!
     The butterflies and hummingbirds fed together on different sides of the plants and I was not able to get a clear photo.  Several times they appeared to be dancing in the air together and I would have loved to have gotten that on video! I had to bog down in the mud up to my ankles and hide in the reeds to get these photos because the growth was so high that I could not photograph above it.  I stood for probably an hour, hardly moving while the hummingbirds, dragonflies and butterflies went from plant to plant.
      I enjoyed my hike and my hour or more of stillness, getting sidetracked so long that I had to pass on my lunch invitation. A few folks strolled pass the bridge, two boys that never noticed me, as they looked for a good fishing spot, a women that simply smiled, an older gentleman asked, “What are you photographing?", as he clutched his binoculars and I whispered, “hummingbirds...nature”!  And then I smiled.


These two contortionist are attempting to mate right?

Excuse me....coming through...(fly by peeping Tom)

Dragonfly...blue dasher I think.


Female hummingbird feeding on Cardinal Flower.
 
 
 
She spotted me and it took her several minutes to return.  I believe there were two hummingbirds feeding in the area.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 




 
 

 

 
 
 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Night Vision Of A Hermit

After a yummy dinner at the Stardust cafĂ© in Lewisburg, West Virginia,( the little town voted, "The coolest small town is the US") we headed over to Renick, WV to jump on the Greenbrier River Trail.  We got in a quick eight miles of biking before dark.  I offered to assist my husband in loading our bikes on the rack when we got back to the truck but he said, "why don't you run down to the river and see if you see anything to photograph"?  So, I did!  I heard a bit of noise and assumed there were some children playing in the water.  Three young boys were swimming in the river and having a blast (that reminded me of my childhood) as the last bit of light seeped through the canopy of trees that hugged the river banks.  I turn to go back up to the vehicle and I spotted this moth.  It looked like a hummingbird but I believe it is a Hermit Sphinx moth.  I was obviously excited to get a few photos before heading out.  It was interesting to see the ability of it's night vision as it fluttered about this beautiful cluster of phlox with such ease.  It seemed as pleased with it's meal as we were with ours! ;0)
I believe (but I'm not positive)...this is a Hermit Sphinx
 
 
 
Notice the hump behind the head, also is a trait of the Hermit Sphinx.
 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Drive With A Purpose

I had noticed the gorgeous and numerous highway wildflower plantings (makes them sound not so wild, huh?) last year off of West Virginia US 19, going North, toward the New River Gorge area.  My husband and I had made several day trips up that way and as I had hoped the wildflowers were there again this year.  Several times I had wanted to stop and meander but decided that it was something that I wanted to do alone, so as not to feel rushed.  After running several errands, I headed out from Beckley, West Virginia.  I reached the magnificent, New River Gorge area (stopping briefly at the bridge visitors center to take several photos in the "butterfly garden" out front) and turned back South as I had not found the exact location, nor safe place to pull over and take a few photos of the roadside wildflowers. The sights delighted my eyes when I found my spot.  I'm not even sure what exit I took, they were mesmerizing for me, as they appeared, with the slight warm summer breeze, to wave me in the right direction. And the cameras did a fair job of capturing a taste of the images that I had been obsessing over and hoping to capture for a year. The drive up was spectacular, with the sun beaming and the breeze blowing ever so gently. I left the site (sight!) after an hour or more of taking photos and enjoying the view. The drive with a purpose to capture a bit of the beauty from those who planted these lovely flowers, felt like a success, a mix of: cosmos, chicory and coreopsis or tickseed plant. Their work has not gone unnoticed by many, including me!  Surely they wanted us to enjoy their work.  A HUGE thank you to those that made it possible for such an enjoyable sight!
 
 
 
 
Captured a photo in mid flight! ;0)